


Annoying Things Roommates Do that Makes You Want to Kill Them

by yorozuyas



Series: 100 Ways to Annoy Your Roommate [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Attempt at Humor, Death Threats, Friendship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Male Friendship, Mild Language, Roommates, Sharing a Room, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 18:47:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6918859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yorozuyas/pseuds/yorozuyas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hijikata and Gintoki have a prank war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Annoying Things Roommates Do that Makes You Want to Kill Them

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DarkSilverWings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkSilverWings/gifts).



> Writing request from DarkSilverWings! Here you go! Sorry it's a little late and a bit rushed - I didn't have enough time to write this weekend and I wanted to wrap this up before I get busier! Hope you enjoy :)

Hijikata is ready to bash his roommate’s face into the goddamn floor. He’s spent the past hour looking for his lighter – he’s in dire need of a cigarette, and he knows _exactly_ who took them. Sakata Gintoki, the most annoying jackass of a perm head he’s ever met in his entire life. Who would have thought that he had such bad luck? Not only did he have the luck of meeting Gintoki, but also ended up becoming his roommate.

Gintoki is a wild and unpredictable man – he does all sorts of things for everyone around the campus just so he can loot money off of them and use them for his own benefits. He has a knack of calling himself “Yorozuya” and when Hijikata told him off for it, he’d claimed, “I can’t live a life in a campus like this without earning a nickname for myself! Come on! I _want_ to have a reputation! Wouldn’t you?”

Now when Gintoki first arrived, Hijikata had actually _thought_ he was pretty decent. But he should’ve known better. What kind of nose-picking, sweet addict, lazy ass dumbass like him would be _decent_? Ever since Gintoki arrived, Hijikata had taken it upon himself to look after the dorm room, just in case he accidentally sets it on fire or something. He’d even set up rules about their personal space and threatened Gintoki if he ever stepped out a toe out of the line he personally drew to divide the room.

But, of course, since Gintoki has no regard for rules and r _espect_ , he does it anyway, and Hijikata knows he does it to vex him. No matter how many times he complains to the dean about changing his roommate, they all refuse, saying that there are no other places for Gintoki to stay in.

Gintoki has taken hiding Hijikata’s things to piss him off into liking. He does it every week – he would hide anything that Hijikata _specifically_ told him not to touch, especially his lighter and his stash of mayonnaise. Every goddamn week, those two things disappear without him knowing, and he always finds it in the weirdest place ever. Hell, he even found his lighter down Gintoki’s pants once after he wrestled him to the ground demanding where he had hid his things.

Hijikata taps his foot impatiently, eyeing down the dorm room, as though he could scare it into giving him his goddamn lighter. Mostly, he’s just waiting for Gintoki to come bounding through the door, whistling happily to himself and pretending nothing happened. If he isn’t going to come and confess his crimes, then _fine_. Two can play at that game.

 

*****

 

“Oogushi-kun! Have you seen my favourite porno mag?”

“I’m not Oogushi-kun,” Hijikata bites back, glaring at Gintoki. “And no, I haven’t seen your disgusting magazines. Maybe the dean did a secret inspection while we were out and had your magazines confiscated.”

“But I hid them in a place where no one would ever think of looking!” Gintoki protests, pouting and throwing his hands up in the air. Hijikata has to try and hide his smirk. If “no one would ever think of looking” meant behind the small vault behind his desk, then Hijikata definitely thought of looking in there. He just found it by accident though, when he was busy turning the room upside down for his goddamn lighter, which, by the way, he still hasn’t found.

“What am I going to do about _that_ now?” Gintoki complains, pointing down to his crotch. “Little Shiroyasha here _demands_ to be relieved!”

Hijikata blinks at him in disbelief. “ _Little Shiroyasha?_ Why the fuck would you name your – you know what, I don’t even want to know.”

“Gah! Damn you, whoever stole my porno mags, you’re going to get it!” He shouts angrily, stalking off towards the bathroom.

When Gintoki’s gone, Hijikata shoves his fist into his mouth to keep himself from laughing. He isn’t one for breaking the rules – honestly, he would’ve told the dean about Gintoki’s magazines if it weren’t for the fact that he smokes inside the dorm room, which is strictly prohibited. Hijikata wouldn’t want to be that kind of guy.

Mumbling happily to himself, he continues writing his essay, all the while listening to Gintoki’s grunts of frustration at his missing porno magazines.

Later that night, Gintoki approaches Hijikata again, his nostrils flaring and shooting daggers at him. He’s red in the face, and he’s clutching something in his hand that Hijikata couldn’t quite see. But even then, he didn’t pay attention to him because the taste of revenge is so sweet.

“You,” Gintoki spits out, jabbing his pointer finger on Hijikata’s chest as he whirls around from his chair. “asshole! You’re the one who took my fucking magazines!”

If Hijikata’s expecting anything, it’s that Gintoki’s mad because he failed another test, not because he’s found out. Hijikata actually felt _fear_ in his gut because Gintoki is well known around school for his notorious roundhouse kicks and uppercuts. He tries not to show it on his face though.

“It’s not me.” Hijikata says coolly, trying to play it cool.

“No, don’t bullshit me you jackass!” Gintoki says angrily again. “I found it under the floorboards of _your_ bed!”

Looks like there’s no way out of this then. “Fuck you! You keep taking things that aren’t yours and _hiding_ them from me, you have no fucking right to be mad at me!”

“Yeah, but these are _limited edition_! Who gives a shit about your stupid mayonnaise lighters anyway?”

“ _I_ do!”

“I hid it from you because I don’t want you to keep smoking! I swear to god, the room always smells like someone smoked ass crack for three days straight! I don’t know how the teachers haven’t noticed it yet, seriously!”

“Fuck you! What I do is none of your business!” Hijikata grabs the collar of Gintoki’s shirt. “Why can you hide my shit and I can’t do it to yours?”

Gintoki stepped closer to him. Hijikata could feel his murderous intent and it terrifies him. But he doesn’t back down or give up. Instead, he straightens his back and returns the same look Gintoki is giving him.

“Because I’m _Sakata Gintoki_ , renowned for being the Shiroyasha, called by my professors and fellow classmates. Do you _really_ want to make me your foe?” he threatens. “You know you can’t win at this game of playing pranks on each other, Oogushi-kun.” Gintoki circles around him, stroking his chin with his arms folded across his chest _. “This is my territory_ , _you understand_?”

But Hijikata shrugs it off. He is prepared for this. He’s prepared at whatever the White Demon is going to throw at him. This is not just a battle of revenge. It’s a battle of pride.

“What do I get if I win?”

“I’ll stop annoying you. Maybe even move out of this room.”

“And if I lose?”

Gintoki’s lips curls up into a devilish smirk. “You get to be my servant.”

 

*****

 

It’s only been a week since their declaration of war and Hijikata’s already regretting it. He knows he isn’t going to win but he just couldn’t let go of his goddamn ego and admit defeat. Just this morning, he woke up to a weird, cold substance on his face only to find out Gintoki had drawn on it with a black permanent marker. He’d jumped up in surprise and made a beeline to the bathroom when the door knob _literally_ came off and ended up glued on his hand.

He’s already irritated but it also doesn’t help with the fact that he couldn’t even brush his teeth because _someone_ had replaced the toothpaste with wasabi, which is something Hijikata doesn’t really have a liking to. Gintoki has done all this and he hasn’t even seen his face today!

“That fucking bastard,” he growls, scaring the girl next to him. She scurries away in panic, but Hijikata doesn’t notice. He swears he could still feel the rashes he got from scrubbing his face really hard due to the marker. As if on cue, Gintoki pops up next to him and it’s all Hijikata could do before he elbows him on the face.

“Ow! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Gintoki rubs his nose.

“What the fuck is wrong with _you_?” Hijikata barks. “Why the hell did you write on my face with a goddamn permanent marker, you dickhead?”

Gintoki merely laughs at him. “I told you, right? You can’t win at this game. So it’ll be better if you just,” he inches closer to him and plays with the strings on his jacket, “admit your defeat and become my servant, yeah?”

Hijikata shoves him away. “As if, you arrogant bastard.” He scoffs. “You better watch your fucking back, Gintoki.”

But Gintoki, the bastard, just smirks haughtily at him again. He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at Hijikata with this innocent look that does nothing but piss him off. He runs his tongue over his lip, glaring so hard at Gintoki, even he thought his eyes would pop out right there and then. This moron is so annoying, what kind of misfortune did he have to land himself a roommate like him? Everything Gintoki does just _pisses_ him off to no end and sometimes he wonders if Gintoki existed just to annoy him.

Hijikata is a very adept person – he would never break the rules if he can help it (except for smoking – he c _annot_ help that) and is always ready to study and work. But ever since Gintoki arrived, everything just went to shit and even _he’s_ becoming unlike him. Hijikata usually keeps to himself, but the guy is so persistent and nosy that most of the time he has to hide himself from Gintoki.

“Me? Watch my back?” Gintoki laughs coldly. “You watch _your_ back, Oogushi-kun. They don’t call me Shiroyasha for no reason.”

He tries not to let his uneasiness bother him, but it does anyway. Still refusing to look away from Gintoki’s piercing stare, he glares at him just as hard and he doesn’t stop until he’s sure Gintoki’s out of sight. And when he is, Hijikata lets go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

 

*****

 

Hijikata’s sure this plan would work out. He’s sure it will – he’s tested it out on himself. He isn’t too big on playing pranks that might hurt people, but he’s had enough. This ongoing war of pranking each other has been going on for nearly a month now, and he’s getting sick of it. Though he _has_ gotten quite a few good jokes on Gintoki, the boy still far surpassed him – Hijikata had to admit that Gintoki is a _master_ at this.

There’s even this incident that landed Hijikata in the clinic because – well, he doesn’t remember much from it because he blacked out from accidentally hitting his head. And whenever he remembers it, he feels angry because that was _so_ humiliating. He’d fucking blacked out because of something that landed on him and he’d jerked back so fast he bumped his head against the wall.

After that, Gintoki hadn’t played any pranks on him. And so had Hijikata. He even thought it might be over and he could finally step into the shower without fearing something like a soap had thorns in it or something. He just didn’t trust himself in his own room and he didn’t trust anything around him. But…maybe that is his intention after all. To make Hijikata so fucking paranoid in hopes to make him surrender.

Just as he sets the wire trap in place, the lights start flickering. At first, he thought it’s his eyes playing tricks on him, but then it happens again and now he’s sure Gintoki is messing with him.

“C-..Can you quit that!” he shouts out loud. “Oi, Gintoki! Stop that! T-That’s not funny!”

“Who’re you talking to?” a voice from behind him says.

Hijikata startles but it’s subtle enough for Gintoki not to notice. “You, you idiot. Can you stop doing whatever it is you’re doing to the lights?”

Gintoki furrows his eyebrows. “But I’m not doing anything.”

As if on cue, the lights flicker again and Hijikata holds his breath. “See? _That!_ Can you fucking stop it? It’s not fucking funny.”

“But I really am not doing anything to it!” Panic is evident in Gintoki’s eyes and Hijikata can even hear it in his voice.

There’s a gust of cold wind and Hijikata could _swear_ he heard a voice just then. He begins to tremble from fear, swallowing down his growing anxiety. “Whatever it is you’re doing Gintoki, it’s working, so please stop it.”

“Why do you think I’m the one who’s doing this?”

“Because you’re the only one who can, you goddamn bastard!”

He hears a door opening and Hijikata grabs hold onto the nearest thing to him: Gintoki. He should be embarrassed because _goddamn it he’s clinging onto Gintoki like a fucking child_ but he isn’t. He thinks he should move away immediately, but his hands are just glued to Gintoki’s shirt and he doesn’t even notice it but even Gintoki’s hands are on his polo shirt.

There are footsteps rushing towards them and both boys cling onto each other like there’s no tomorrow. They’re so close that Hijikata could feel the rapid pounding of Gintoki’s heart and how his body is trembling just as how Hijikata’s is. Sweat is beading on his forehead; he hears the dull _thud thud thud_ of someone’s footsteps and it doesn’t help how there are absolutely no lights where they are at the moment.

“If we don’t live through this,” Gintoki begins to say. Hijikata doesn’t know whether he’s joking or not. “I just want to let you know that I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Hijikata could barely hide the panic in his voice.

“For landing you in the hospital. It was a harmless joke and I didn’t mean to scare you like that.”

“Like you said: it was a harmless joke. You don’t have to be so apologetic about it.”

“But-!”

“Shut up. Just be quiet. Do you _want_ to be found by that ghost?”

“No.”

“So shut up.”

And Gintoki did. But that doesn’t last long because those footsteps begin to grow louder and louder and louder and they cling onto each other tighter until they looked like blankets entangled with each other. The footsteps stop in front of them and Hijikata could feel tears burn the back of his eyes. He’s honestly so scared because w _hat the fuck is this stupid shit is this really happening to him is he going to die_ and he squeezes his eyes shut at whatever’s about to come – except, his eyes are glued open and he couldn’t even move his body.

Then – “BOO!”

Takasugi Shinsuke’s demonic face appears before them but to Hijikata, it didn’t even matter. His foot juts out until it connects with something and he kicks him so hard, he keels over and starts rolling on the ground, groaning in pain.

“What the fuck was that for, asshole!” Takasugi shouts.

“That. Wasn’t. Fucking. Funny!” Hijikata enunciates with every punch he lands on Takasugi.

Gintoki sort of looks petrified when Hijikata turns back to him again, but then it quickly disappears as he burst out laughing. “Hahahaha! Did you see the expression on your face? You looked scared outta your wits!”

“Wait – don’t tell me – you fucking DICKHEAD!” Hijikata growls but something holds him back from beating the holy crap out of Gintoki. “You were in cahoots with him?”

Gintoki eyes Takasugi and nods. “Yeah. Anyways, I totally WRECK you with that fucking prank!”

“Fuck you. But you know what I think?” Hijikata’s voice drops. “I think you were scared out of your goddamn mind too. I mean – you’re as pale as a ghost, you’re still trembling, and you clung onto me for dear life and you tell me that you knew what was going to happen all along?”

“Yes.” Gintoki says in a heartbeat. Hijikata knows it’s a lie.

Gintoki snorts out in laughter. “I can’t believe I fucking won! God, I thought you’d never give up on trying to best me but nope! I still take the crown!”

“Gintoki, stop trying to take my win,” Takasugi groans out as he gets to his feet. The bandages he’d wrapped around his left eye is soaked with fake blood and he’s wearing white from head to toe. “You should have seen the expression on _your_ fucking face when I appeared. And also, stop bullshitting Hijikata. You totally didn’t know what was going to happen.”

“HA!” Hijikata shouts out in triumph. “I fucking knew it, you liar!” He points a still-shaking finger at Gintoki.

“Alright, alright, I give,” Gintoki raises his arms in defeat. “I told Takasugi to scare you but I didn’t tell him to fucking _include me_! What the fuck is wrong with you?” He gets back up to his feet and grabs Takasugi’s collar in anger. “I specifically told you to leave me out! I told you to do it _only_ to _him_!”

“Shut the fuck up,” Takasugi says, irritated. “I was going to, but Zura told me to do it to you too.”

“And why the hell is that?”

“To teach you a goddamn lesson,” Takasugi sighs. “Listen, this practical jokes war you two have been doing are a bother to everyone. Especially to me, Zura and Sakamoto. _We_ have to clean up your goddamn mess because you’re a lazy piece of shit who leaves all the work to everyone. At least _he_ -” he points to Hijikata, “-has the decency to clean up _his_ mess even though he does a terrible job of it.”

“What the hell did you just say?” Hijikata snarls but Takasugi ignores him.

“All I’m saying is: stop. Stop being such a fucking moron and just quit it. I know you two don’t like each other but please, for fuck’s sake, just do something about your internal discord. I don’t care if you go frolicking in the sunlight together.”

Gintoki lets go of Takasugi and turns to Hijikata. He gives him a look, his eyes travelling up and down Hijikata’s body and then – yes – the bastard _smiles_ at him mockingly. He doesn’t even say a word: he just walks back to the direction of their room and _that_ makes him want to strangle the shit out of Gintoki. Takasugi doesn’t say anything either; he quietly leaves Hijikata to think about the annoying things Gintoki does that makes him want to kill him.

 


End file.
